The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our life.
The wellness industry is full of promises for a long and healthy life: “Buy this supplement and you’ll feel better than ever!” “Do this 10 step workout routine and watch your worries melt away” “Optimize your life and be your happiest self!” Meanwhile, the longest scientific study of human happiness and healthy aging reveals the truth of the matter: the strongest predictor for a healthy life is tied to the quality of our relationships. Not our cholesterol levels, not our bank accounts, not even our genes. Our relationships. And yet more than half of the adults in the U.S. report feeling lonely everyday, leading to higher levels of psychological distress, depression, and anxiety.
From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. Our bodies and minds are designed to be in relationship to others, and when that is lacking, or our relationships are struggling, we suffer. Sometimes, even when we are surrounded by friends, family, and colleagues, we still feel alone, misunderstood, or disconnected.
So how do we improve our connections with others? It starts with the relationship you have with yourself. When we start paying attention to our inner thoughts and feelings, we find there’s quite a bit of noise going on in there! You might notice a critical voice in your mind or anxious thoughts that we try to push away in order to feel better. We look for support when we are feeling our worst, hoping a therapist will have the solution to our problems. But therapy isn’t about “fixing” you or erasing your problems, it is about getting to know yourself.
What exactly does it mean to “get to know yourself”. You made it this far in life, and I’m sure you can tell me your likes and dislikes, your history, your hobbies, etc. The type of “knowing” that can come from psychotherapy is deeper than our surface qualities: it is about recognizing what happens inside your body and your mind, in relationship to another person. What happens when you feel judged or criticized? What happens when you feel understood? What happens when you allow yourself to dream?
Therapy can become a place where we cultivate a willingness and ability to face our feelings, instead of attempting to escape from them, exaggerate them, or minimize them. As Dr. Mark Epstein said: “Confronted with unpleasant feelings that we often are at a loss to explain, we can learn to use those feelings to show us the oceans of our minds” (Epstein 18).
If starting therapy isn’t an option for you right now, try this in the meantime: notice your feelings. It may seem obvious, but so often we can find ourselves in a bad or grumpy mood, sulking in negativity, without being curious as to how we got there. Start to turn your attention inward. Maybe you notice that your chest feels tight or your heart is beating quickly or there is a knot in your throat. Try to find a word that describes how you’re feeling, like sad, scared, or frustrated. Can you begin to trace back how that feeling came over you? Did you have an experience with someone or within your own mind that triggered a series of negative thoughts? Once you’ve identified how your mood arrived on your doorstep, you can begin to think about what it is you’re actually feeling and what you might do about it. Or maybe you’ll notice that having a little insight has helped shift the feeling.
Working with a therapist can help support you in building emotional awareness, understanding how your mind works, and navigating big feelings. I specialize in psychoanalytic therapy, helping adults and couples navigate relationship challenges, stress and overwhelm, and overall sense of being stuck and dissatisfied.
Book a free 20-minute call to see if we might be a good fit.
Epstein, M. (2013). The Trauma of Everyday Life. The Penguin Press.
